Updates from the Couch: Day 17

Sorry I’m so late getting back on. I’ve had a lot going on today between work and the baby. So…today was eviction day – right? Yeah right! So, when I first came downstairs this morning, I completely forgot about you know what. I fired up my work laptop, put my little Princess in her corral, then proceeded to get some shit done. Of course, about halfway through the first spreadsheet I was working on, I heard the beginnings of what would continue to be a crazy amount of noise from the down-stairs closet. I ignored it at first, but then I remembered that I told everyone in the world I was going to evict the little turd. So, with an awfully loud grunt, I picked myself up from the couch and made my way to the wall just around the corner from the closet. Then I just squatted….and waited. The baby wasn’t amused. I kept having to shush her. Eventually she became involved again in her musical cartoons and forgot was there. God exists.

So, anyways… There I was, waiting for the little bastard to come out of the closet. That’s when my eighteen-year-old decides to come romping down the stairs. I looked up at him as he exclaimed, “good morning!” and then I heard a slam. I knew it was the sound of the closet door closing. “Shit!” I yelled and went to the kitchen. Sure enough…two more bagels were missing. Pissed as all hell, I decided to wait just around the wall of the kitchen. It took a good thirty minutes, but eventually, I heard the little shit-bird opening the refrigerator door.

When I heard the fridge open, I jumped out from behind the wall. The Closet Troll was standing in the middle of the kitchen floor, staring up at me – frozen. He had a container of Green Onion Cream Cheese under one arm and a half-pack of hot-dogs under the other. “I got you – you son ‘o biatch!” I yelled at him and began towards him. He didn’t hesitate. He threw the container of cream cheese and hit me in the knee. Then, all at once, I was assaulted by at least eight cold hot-dogs. By the time I regained my composure, I heard the closet door close again. “Shit!” I yelled. Then, the baby began to cry.

So…that’s how my day’s going so far. I’ll keep you posted.

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