So far, so good. Yeah, right!
Kept the baby upstairs this morning, dragged the eighteen-year-old out of bed. I needed to evict a Closet Troll, and the little bastard was going to be tough to get rid of. Johnny (my son) has this giant stick he likes to swing around in the backyard like a ninja. I figured that having Johnny and his stick would be better than going it with just myself and a spatula. I thought he’d be annoyed, but he was delighted to help.
We snuck downstairs just after dawn and positioned ourselves by the closet door – waiting for sounds of movement within. Sure enough, after a few minutes, something behind the door began to stir. This is where things get interesting.
Once the noise was so frequent and loud that I was positive the little shit was close, I flung the door open. The Troll looked up at us looming above him and…he shit. Yes…that’s right, he let out a large fart and crapped his pants.
“Get him,” I yelled to Johnny, who was standing beside me, his ninja stick held up in a karate attack stance. The little Troll was frozen in terror, but I knew it wouldn’t last long. “Get him!” I yelled again. “Before he pulls his pants up and gets off the box!” Johnny swung (swing away Johnny), and hits the bastard in the temple. It let’s out a yelp, falls sideways off the box, and shits again. I cursed out loud since I knew I’d have to clean up all those Troll feces at some point. I leaned over, snatched the Troll by the color of his button-down dress shirt (mine!) and dragged him (his pants still around his ankles) to the front door. Johnny rushed ahead and opened the door. I through the little shit out. “Go party in someone else’s house you little douche-nozzle!” I yelled. The Troll slid, face-first, across the walkway. I slammed the door, high-fived Johnny, and went to the couch to get some work done.
About an hour later, as I was filling out another exciting spreadsheet, I heard heavy breathing coming from just inside the hallway. I threw my laptop to the side – not believing the audacity of the Closet Troll to sneak back into my home after I kicked him out. What the actual f@#$! I went to the hallway to confront him, but instead found myself staring into the eyes of a large, brown and green, gelatinous creature. It looked back at me and growled. It seems that the Closet Troll’s friend wasn’t another troll after all. Nope. It was a toilet demon – and he was pissed. I’m hiding now, until it goes to sleep. I’ll update you all tomorrow.