Updates from the Couch: Day 25

Sorry, everyone. I know it’s getting late. I couldn’t update earlier because – well – because my wife, Annie was kidnapped. I’m sure you know who took her.  Those little pricks. Anyway, I’ll update you in a few. I gotta get this little one changed and fed.

Okay. I’m back. So, As I was saying, those fuck-tard, ass-be-donkers took my girl yesterday. It took me all night and most of the morning to find her. I came down yesterday morning, made her breakfast in bed (I’m just fucking awesome like that), and when I brought her the hot plate, filled with delicious homemade biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs with sharp cheddar, and fresh hash-browns, smothered and covered, she wasn’t fucking there! So, I did what any man in my position would do. I sat on the end of the bed, ate the plate of food, tried to figure out just where my love had gone. It wasn’t until I went downstairs to get the Tabasco from the cupboard that it hit me. The jerks stole her! Honestly, the sign that read, “Hey, we got your girl. We want four packs of Everything Bagels and two containers of Onion Cream-Cheese or you’ll never see her again.” may have had a bit to do with my sudden epiphany. But you know what? I’m a pretty smart guy. I’m sure I would’ve figured that shit out.  

So, Baby in Bjorn on my back, bagels and cream cheese in hand, I set out to find my lost love…all the way to the hall closet – which sucked my ass into another dimension as soon as I opened the door.

– This is where I must warn you. Things get a little weird from this point on –

Okay, so I get sucked to the other side, right? Thank God I landed on my stomach, or the toddler Duchene would now be a fraction the width of a flapjack. I had to shield my eyes for the first few seconds once we landed. It was like the world was made of rainbows over there, and I just couldn’t deal with all that color. I really became anxious about Annie’s safety at that point. All that color was surely driving her bonkers. The whole freaking world is like some kind of Hostel-like torture-chamber -specifically designed for introverts. There was a dirty brown road a few yards from where we landed. I asked Amber if we should follow it. She pointed at the road and said, “Ga-da-ba-ba.” It was obvious that she was right, so off we went – to find my fucking wife.

We made it to the Chocolate Village in a couple hours. The trip was pretty uneventful – except for the piranhanado we had to hide from, and the cross-dressed tiger… Now, I don’t have anything against cross-dressing tigers per se, but it WAS a tiger. It might’ve been a hungry cross-dressed tiger. Fuck that!

No chances taken.

When we arrived at the Chocolate Village, there wasn’t a single living thing in sight. Dilapidated, half-melted cocoa houses lined each side of the Brown Road. As far as we can see in front of us, a booger-green tower stood tall in the distance. I knew it must be there where they were holding my love. Amber yelled, “Fa! Ca-Ca Fu!” then pulled my ears. That was all the incentive I needed. Off we went.

When we reached the front entrance to the booger-green tower, I kicked in the door, stormed the main hall. I stopped short of the throne, where Annie was tied. It was the Great Throne of Phlegm. She was bound to the big chair by thick tendrils of the nastiest looking shit I’ve ever seen. I didn’t see the Closet Troll or the Toilet Demon anywhere – but there was a Snot-Giant standing behind my love, and it looked like he was ready to sneeze on her! I imagined that would be the end of her, so I held out my hands and said, “whoa…buddy. Just wait a second.” The beast’s green skin undulated and pulsed as it stood behind my wife, ready to drown her in…fuck I don’t know… but something pretty fucking nasty, says, “Whatcha got for me, bitch?”

Now, I’m not the type of man (person…etc.…) that takes kindly to being called bitch. But I held my temper.

“Whatcha want,” I asked. Cool as can be.

“The Giant leaned forward, sniffed the air a few times.

“Baby?” It asked. “Is that a baby on your back?”

I felt Amber snuggle closer to me. “No,” I said. “This here, is a toddler, sir. So, if you want baby, you’re shit out of luck.” The giant reeled back. Began to retch to one side, then the other.

“Don’t say that!” it yelled. “I can’t stand the thought of shi…shi…” he leaned forward and vomited on his own feet. Just give me the baby, toddler, whatever,” he said, when he finished heaving. “Then you can have your wife and be gone!”

How was I supposed to respond to that, huh? Naturally, it was going to take a few minutes to answer. But the impatient penis-wrinkle growls at me – like it’s been hours or something. At first, I didn’t know what to do, then…I smelled the answer. The sweet smell of salvation. Good girl, Amber.

I pulled my little angel off my back, removed her soiled diaper, chucked it at the giant – who didn’t seem to know anything was amiss until the shitty Pamper stuck to his forehead – then slid down his face. He roared really loud…at least for a second. Then, he began to vomit everywhere. As he was retching, he also began to spin in circles, spraying a fountain of puke everywhere. This created a vortex. I strapped Amber to my back as fast as I could, then untied Annie. Once she was free, we, all three, jumped into the vortex together, landing right on our bed – safe and sound (I’m washing the sheets now).

So, that’s been our day so far. I don’t know how they did it, but I do know the Troll and toilet Demon are responsible for this shit. I’m pretty exhausted tonight – and happy to have my wife back. I’ll deal with those two tomorrow. I’m thinking it’ll be the final confrontation with those ass-clowns. Who knows? I’ll update you tomorrow.

Hope your day has been less eventful than mine. Until Tomorrow, R.M.

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