Updates from the Couch: Day 26

An air of unpalatable uneasiness lingers in the air today. Annie feels it. Johnny feels it. I feel it most of all. I’m sure Amber feels it too, but she’s a beast and would never let it show. The final confrontation is dangerously close. I know it is. But It’s the wait that’s killing me. I imagine the few seconds before the floor drops out are the longest ever for a man who is about to be hanged. If the snap doesn’t get him, a heart attack most surely will. The freaks are close. I know they are.  And whatever they’re planning, I hope I’m prepared. I guess I’ll find out. Amber needs me. I’ll Be right back.

Sorry that took so long. I fed the baby, changed her – then did another quick sweep of the closet. Nothing yet. I’m not sure what these dudes are playing at, but I know they’re around…. lurking. I’m tired of feeling this apprehension.

I just decided, right this second, to let it all go. According to my shrink (who I talked to just now. Got that guy on speed dial, yo!), none of the past week even happened. Perhaps he’s right. You know what? He is right. None of this was real at all. I’m done living in a fantasy world. I’m just going to try to focus on the things I need to do today. The life chores that need to be taken care of now, else I’ll end up on that Hoarders show. I’ll be back in a while. I have some shit to do.

…..

………

Okay – I’m back. I cleaned the kitchen (freaking spotless yo!). I even cleaned the hollow areas around the burners that most people hide by leaving large pans on the range. I also did a bit of laundry – took out the trash. Then, I went out back to do a little yard work (that took a few hours!). So, I believe I’m about done for now. Now I have some time to kick back on the couch and chat with you, my wonderful readers, and… Holy shit!

I got em! I fucking got em! I can’t believe that shit worked! Shit y’all. I’ll explain in a bit. I got some asses to kick!

I’m back, haha. I can’t believe it was that freaking easy. Okay…remember how I suspected these idjits can turn invisible? How they’d just kept knowing what I was writing on my blog and use it against me? Well, I put that theory to the test. Sorry to use you all like this but think about it this way – we’re co-conspirators (Yay!). So, I wrote all that crap thinking one of the pricks was reading it over my shoulder. You know, to lull them into a sense of false security – or whatever. I really did do all the chores I said I did – especially the yard work. I dug a pretty big hole, then buried all the knives in my house at the bottom – business ends pointing skyward. After I was done with that, I pulled a piece of cardboard over the hole – threw some dirt on top. Oh, and the finisher – I dropped a bagel right in the center of it all. A petty attempt, I know – but hey, the shit worked! So, Later, I’m sitting on my couch, talking to you folks, then I hear a couple high-pitched screams coming from the backyard. I go out there and guess what I see at the bottom of the hole… It’s okay, I’ll wait.

Yes! Both those turd-nuggets got pimped!

Each one had a couple blades buried to the hilts in their ass-cheeks. The Closet Troll was actually running around the side-wall of the hole in circles – yelping like a injured chihuahua. I laughed my ass of. Then I went back in the house – fetched Annie, Johnny, and Amber, so they could laugh their asses off too. After all that fun, I went to the garage, found the gas can, brought it back to the hole. I sprayed those fuckers with two different substances. The gas was one of them. I’m not going to state the second one. Let’s just say – they were really pissed!

At first, they were cursing up at us, calling us all kinds of dicks and fuckers – but, at the end (now this makes me all warm and fuzzy inside) they were both on their knees, begging for me not to drop the ignited match I was holding. I have to say – I considered letting them go if they promised not to come back. But, since I’m not a believer in Troll or Demon promises, I dropped the match. The screaming coming from the fiery hole made my life complete. I’m not sorry, either. Roasting those fuckers saved me a trip to the market today. I didn’t really feel like chicken tonight – if you know what I mean.

Whelp, this day is over (at least for now). If anything else happens, I’ll let you know (Like if the giant from the Chocolate Village suddenly appears). But, I think we’ll be okay. I truly believe the dumbassory is all behind us now.

Or, is it?

R.M.

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